I’ve been learning a lot about love the past few months. Not the passionate kind of love–this kind is more silent but seemingly powerful.

First, I’ve had to closely study a lot of books so I could teach them to the students; oftentimes I felt that these books would be too hard for them, but I’ve been happily surprised that my students have come and conquered fairly successfully. Particularly challenging for me are the books I’ve had to read for my college writing kids. I’ve really struggled with their class; the other college writing teacher is amazingly fabulous and has a very rigorous system set up for the students that I just can’t compete with, though I have been trying my hardest to keep up with it. They’ve done a lot of difficult reading, Song of Roland, Hamlet, Wuthering Heights, Madame Bovary, and now, Crime and Punishment. Maybe for some people, these are an easy read… but they all have heavy messages. I am trying now for the second time to get through Crime and Punishment–not because I can’t read and understand the text, but because the message is often so dark and heavy until the very end that I struggle to keep myself lifted up enough to read it.

It gets so dark and discouraging. Everything is so dark and discouraging. I’ve been really ill, and trying to keep up with everything around me and it feels like I’m just falling further and further behind; I’ll never make it up. I can’t possibly do everything everyone expects me to do! Seeing past tomorrow seems impossible.

Every once in awhile though, I get a glimmer of hope that there is good in the world. It seems really cheesy, but I saw “Less Miserables” for the first time in my life tonight. Some of my students really wanted me to see it since they were in it, and I wanted to support them in it, but didn’t know if I had the time to go. After talking to the college writing teacher, she encouraged me to go so I could talk about it in correlation to Crime and Punishment. There’s definitely a lot of connections I’ve already seen there. Anyways, to make a long story short, I went, and it was really neat. First of all, the kids did great–it was better than your average high school musical. 🙂 But the messages behind the whole play were amazing. The intricacies of the characters are astonishing–the world is so used to trying to make things be black or white, good or bad, and these characters had such an interesting blend… like Crime and Punishment (specifically Sonia). It really was one of those glimmers… one of the “ah-ha!” moments of life that make you want to be better.

Of course, that can only carry you so far.

I’m nearly done with student teaching, but one thing that really surprised me about student teaching was how powerfully I cared about all “my” students. I want them to do well in my class and work hard, and I am sad when I can tell they are tired or sick or just frustrated with all they have to do in life. I really am beginning to love people, I think, specifically for all their potential that I see them have, even if they have been choosing not to use it.

I wish I could be better for them. And for him. I want to be the best I can be, and yet I fail miserably. Is that what humanity is all about? Loving despite all these downfalls, mistakes, wasted potential and bad attitudes? I don’t know right now. I don’t know anything.