Category Archives: depression

Sep23

It’s been a rough one…

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It’s been a rough one…

It’s been a pretty rough week. Most of the reasons are probably not completely appropriate to discuss on a blog, so I’ll keep it pretty simple with the public appropriate downers:

1) Teaching twice as many kids in half the time is not conducive to a happy, positive learning environment. Especially when kids aren’t turning things in. Thanks for those budget cuts, Rick Perry. The future of America looks forward to how you can destroy more than just Texas school children’s education.

2) Work drama. I can’t say much more than I got pushed to the wayside for something that I was very qualified for and that could have potentially been a great add to my resume to be more desirable for being a high school teacher. Awesome.

3) The new online gradebook thing that we have to use for grades stinks, and causes lots of issues with parents either completely not being able to figure out what their kids grades are, or freaking out because what they can see isn’t always happy, which increases my email/contact role. And when is it NOT fun to speak with an angry or confused parent?

4) We cut down our VERY dead maple tree. It took a few nights (as I refused to operate a chainsaw without husband supervision, and also, he wanted to play with his new toy) and was rather dirty. As the maple tree was my favorite tree until this summer, that was very sad. Expect an “Ode to the Maple” sometime soon.

5) I found out that my husband’s family’s beagle, Brodey, needed to be put down today. And even though I don’t think he really liked me ever that much (or anyone other than David and Sarah), it makes me really sad because I remember how much it hurt a few years ago when I found out that our family dog, Dixie, had to be put down. And that’s always a heartbreaking feeling. I kind of told Jared to not tell me too much about it because it would reflect badly on me to cry in front of the kids at work.

 

However, there were a few things that did go well this week, so I will end with those:

1) Jared sent me cookies from Tiff’s Treats on Tuesday because I had a really rough morning. And they delivered it to me in front of my best kiddos, who thought it was the sweetest thing ever. And wherein several kids also offered me $5 a piece if I gave them a cookie, which I sadly turned down because I probably would be in trouble if somebody found out about it. But if I wasn’t morally bound, I could’ve been rich!

2) I got another book donation from a secret sponsor for my class. The Candy Shop War was written by Brandon Mull, same author of the amazing Fablehaven series. And since I haven’t read it yet, I feel somewhat obligated to read it before putting on the bookshelves for the kids at school. Once again, moral obligation, but this time totally in my favor! 😉 So to my secret donator: Again, both I and my students thank you!

3) The dogs are enjoying the large amount of sticks that have come from the death of the maple tree. Each day they try to bring several into the house, but I usually catch it before they start reducing them to slivers on the couch.

They are so cute, no?

3) Jared is going to surprise me with something awesome this weekend. Which I am totally looking forward to. And need, desperately, after this rather painful week.

 

Aug16

New things!

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New things!

So, you might have noticed that my blog looks different. That was intentional. 🙂 It involved a lot of behind the scenes updating of my blog that my awesome tech guy (AKA: my husband) had to help out with. A lot. Because he’s just awesome like that.

I’m also going to be working on a new tradition for my blog. I’m going to try to have a daily post on something that makes me happy, or that I am grateful for, or that is good in my life. (Once school gets up and running next week, we might want to shoot for 4-5 times a week…) I have been struggling a lot with my happiness level for several reasons, many of which are fairly personal and probably shouldn’t be known to all the world at this point in time. And to help balance that out, I want to focus on the good things, because I know that I have so many wonderful things in my life that I need to focus on and be grateful for.

So, without much more ado, here is my first happy thing post.

(Sorry if it’s a little blurry- it’s hard to take a picture of yourself!)

I finally got my hair done! It’s been well over a year. I wasn’t too adventurous today, but I really like the color. And I am grateful that I can do silly little things like this to help boost my self esteem, especially before a major anxiety (good and bad anxiety) causing event, like starting school again next week.

Here’s to the simple joy of a good haircut and color! 🙂

Jul27

The Allegory of the AC Circuit Breaker

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The Allegory of the AC Circuit Breaker

Two summers ago, when we first bought our house, the weather decided to make a run for making the record of the most days over 100 degrees. As you might imagine, it was hot. Jared and I were still euphoric about moving into our first home, so we didn’t let the heat stop us from starting to move our things from our apartment to the house.

That is, until the AC stopped working.

Even though we had the controls set to mid-seventies inside the house, the temperature rose into the eighties, and eventually, the nineties in the afternoon. And there is not much motivating about moving and cleaning up things in a house that is trying to cook you alive as you do so. As we investigated, we realized the problem wasn’t with the controls, but that the AC unit itself. It wouldn’t turn on.

Jared’s first thought was perhaps that it was a circuit breaker issue, but when we looked at the box in the garage, there was nothing labeled for the AC. So we did the next natural thing when you have a home warranty that is mandatory to get when you are buying your home: we called for an AC guy to come look at our unit.

A few days later, he showed up, and after about 15 minutes, decided that there’s nothing wrong with the unit and it must have been something with the circut breaker. Jared explained the dilemma about nothing being in the garage labeled for AC. The AC guy just stifled a laugh, shook his head with amusement, and walked us around the house, to point us to the circut controls that are on the OUTSIDE of the house.

Until that moment, we did NOT know that box even existed. He opened it, pointed to the somewhat clearly labeled AC part, flipped the switch, and immediately the AC unit turned on. We paid the guy, and thought it was over.

Until a few days later, when the AC stopped working again. We flipped it again. Then the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Then it increasingly got worse and worse, to the point where it would only last a few minutes, if we were lucky. So like the smart people we were, we called the electrician, who when he came, opened up the box, and showed us the circut breaker (or what was left, at least):

AC Circut Breaker 1     AC Circut Breaker 2

The electrician held up this charred piece of plastic and metal next to a new, bigger and better breaker. He then patiently explained to me that the circuit breaker was technically the required # load for the job, but a solid, good breaker that would be capable of standing up to the load that was needed (especially in one of the hottest summers ever) would be nearly twice as thick as this one. This poor guy just couldn’t take the load it was labeled for. He then put in the bigger breaker, same # caliber as the other one but twice the size.

Our AC has been amazing ever since.

I bring this up though, because lately, I feel like I’m the fried circuit breaker. Despite the many things I’ve done to “flip the switch” to get things back on track, it’s not enough. Even the positive experiences I do have only last a short while before it runs out.My metaphorical batteries are run dry (apparently, I didn’t get Energizer brand) and every task I do takes so much more energy than I could have ever predicted. Getting up out of bed in the morning is a chore.

And teaching… All my previous years, I was excited to go back. Even after my month in June, and YWC, and a few weeks rest, I am unsure if I am doing the right thing. If I’m even GOOD enough to do it. I’m plagued with all kinds of doubts. Example: If I was GOOD enough to be a teacher, wouldn’t I be able to teach a grade level I want? If I was GOOD enough, wouldn’t have somebody at a high school taken me on by now?

Generally we want to be the hero (or heroines) of our tale. Somebody brilliant, brave, talented, who can stand up to any challenge thrown at us. The Harry Potter, Bella Swan, Ender Wiggin, Aragorn,  Kendra or Seth Sorenson of our own life.

But right now, all I am is a broken circuit breaker, trying to make it one day at a time.

May8

Reflections…

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Reflections…

This year has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I don’t say this to be dramatic, but looking back, I have never felt so low and hopeless. I know there are several things that have contributed to why I’ve been so busy and constantly stressed.

The foremost, largest stressor has been my job. Teaching hasn’t been what I thought it would be. This year in particular has emphasized everything wrong with teaching. The financial situation in Texas right now is absolutely ridiculous. Examples:

* What place would expect that if you cut millions of dollars in education, it would benefit the students? Districts all over the state have had to forgo renewing some of their best, brightest teachers. The girl that I have been mentoring all year received an email from the person being forced to take her place. The email essentially stated that she didn’t want to teach but she was only doing it for insurance, and that it sucks to be jobless for this particular girl. How could you be so inconsiderate to say that to somebody who’s job you are taking, when that person would love to remain there when you couldn’t care less?

* They will be shortening the time spent in math and language arts at the middle school level, giving teachers half the time they previously had with students and giving them twice the students to teach.

* TEA is still going forward with rolling out their new, more strenuous state testing to hold teachers accountable. But we now have LESS TEACHERS teaching MORE STUDENTS with LESS RESOURCES. How can we stay remotely close to the same standards?

* It’s possible we won’t know the official cuts until August 12th, if the senate and house refuse to compromise and have to go to a special session during the summer. More firing or hiring could happen literally the week or two before the doors are supposed to open for the school year.

How are we supposed to recover from that?

I’ve also been disappointed on a smaller scale. I have done everything possible to show that I am invested in being a good teacher, yet again I have been held back from moving up to a high school position. I’ve been part of the leadership teams on campus, helped with special side committees, been the 7th grade ELA department head and worked on developing curriculum. I’ve been a mentor to a first year teacher. I’ve been accepted to the Central Texas Writing Project (CTWP) for this summer. I don’t know what else I could do to show that I could be an asset, but yet, I’m held back in a position that I do not love, for the fourth time. I overheard a conversation with another teacher saying that  she’s been stuck in 8th grade ELA for 8 years, despite applying for transfers for high school time and time again.

Pros of middle school and teaching in general have been:

-7th graders have their funny moments;

-The curriculum is “easier”, and I have it mostly down, just tweaking from year to year;

-Up to this year we’ve had 90 min a day with the students;

-I like most of the people I work with.

Cons:

-I struggle with the maturity level of the students;

-“Helicopter parents” are worse at this age;

-I miss the challenge of the more strenuous and deeper curriculum I could get with high school;

-The ridiculous “rubric” system or “Standards-based grading” and no accountability crap;

-Paperwork is ridiculous;

-There are more meetings with admin and other teachers to “support student academic success”.

Frankly, I’m losing hope. I truly do not know if I can last another year, and that thought frightens me. I have invested 7 years of my life to this profession, and I don’t love it. It has its good moments of course, but those good moments are not sustaining me like they used to.

And the fear of the unknown: If I don’t continue on, I don’t know what other profession I could do.

These are fears and thoughts that have been building for months. In the past month, the more I’ve learned, these thoughts been more and more prevalent. It’s been a difficult, exhausting year, and I’m like a car just pushing to the finish line on fumes.

I’ll end with a positive thought. The bright side of my life: my husband.  This past month we celebrated four years of marriage. He’s definitely been my rock and strength during this difficult and lonely time in my life, and I am forever grateful for all he does to make my struggles easier. I consider him my biggest blessing in life, and am so grateful for him every single day.

Jared, thanks for making my burden lighter by being in my life. No matter what happens, I love you.

Mar4

Downer Week

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Downer Week

This is a mix of self-pity and ranting. You’ve been warned.

I think the cosmos is against me this week.

Reason 1: The main water pipe is broken. Past the shut off, which is the place where the city takes responsibility. In Utah, the shut off is really close to the house if not in the basement. Here, it’s in the front yard, right next to the street and sidewalk. Insurance refuses to cover anything that is not directly on the foundation of the house.

What does this mean? The yard is “no man’s land.”  Anything in there is NOT covered by anything, anyone, but us.  awesome. So we have a plumber who should be here any minute… which would be lovely, since we had to turn the water off for the past 3 days meaning no incoming water for dishes, laundry, and bathroom necessities. Thanks Cosmos. It’s not like I want to shower any time soon anyways.

Reason 2: 7th grade writing assessment. TAKS- Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills. This means that we are required to stare at students as they take a writing test and write a composition to a lame and vague prompt like “Write a composition about a time when you were brave.”  Teachers have to watch them. No reading a book, no lesson planning, no drawing. Just have to walk around the room and make sure the kids don’t cheat. When the kids are done, they can either read a book (but not a magazine/newspaper) or sleep. Most students take a couple hours. In my classroom, students were testing from 9:00-3:00.

For those of you who don’t want to do the math, that’s SIX hours of me doing NOTHING. And trying to keep the kids who DID finish quiet, because you know, most kids don’t like to sit and read a book for 3 hours straight after 3 hours of testing. OY. Big headache there.

Reason 3: I applied for a summer writing program for teachers. I filled out a several page application and even spent an evening down at the university campus for an interview. Didn’t get accepted. Got the generic “sorry” email: “We’ve made our decisions about who will make up this year’s cohort for the summer institute at the Heart of Texas Writing Project, and unfortunately, this particular year, you haven’t been selected.  Our decisions, for the most part, are strategic and meant to advance the project’s goals in particular educational settings.  Many of our decisions were made in the interest of serving high-need schools and students, because that kind of work is a priority for our project at present.”

Awesome.

Reason 4: Teaching middle school can really suck. Today was one of the days I just want to throw down the towel and quit. I love most of my students, but in this one particular class, there are a couple of kids who just are pills. And they ruin the class for me, for their peers, and really, for themselves. Today was just bad with a couple of them… I cried my whole 35 minute drive home because I am FRUSTRATED.

Reason 5: District transfers. A new middle school is about to open up and it will affect my school the most. Some teachers are going to have to move to it. I have been considering transferring to a school closer to home, as a 40 minute drive one way doesn’t really work well for me. However, this new school wouldn’t be any better timewise for me, and most of us are afraid to put in for ANY sort of transfer now because that would be like volunteering to go to this new school. So now I don’t know what to do with that; hold out at the school I’m at for another year, try for a closer middle school, or try for my dream of high school that I so desperately miss teaching…

So, this is one of those posts where I really cannot make light of some of these things, because each of them is like a solid punch to the gut, leaving me wondering why I am so inadequate and unhappy and if there is anything I could reasonably change to do it.  Am I just a lousy teacher? Is the universe just trying to make me feel like a big, fat failure?

Today’s just one of those days I really don’t know. I just… don’t know.