Category Archives: depression

Nov18

Almost to Thanksgiving!

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Almost to Thanksgiving!

Well, it’s been a wild ride this school year.

I am sick (again) today, but bad enough that I am staying home. Left work early yesterday, too. So that does give me temporary free time to write a post.

It’s been beautiful weather here lately. We have so many amazing butterflies in our backyard. They love the flowers that are back there, and I never am back there without at least 15 butterflies to watch. It’s actually “cold” outside- in the 60s. haha. We will be visiting our families back in Utah this time next week, and it’s already snowed there. So far, the 10 day forecast doesn’t go over 50 degrees there! EEK! I think I might just die!  I definitely fit in with the warmer Texas weather. Other than that though, it will be wonderful to visit the family and not be responsible for all the cooking for a week. 🙂

There have been some interesting challenges in my life lately. I really have been enjoying teaching much more this year than I did last year. These kids are much more willing to work and be on top of everything from last year, and I am understanding the system that we are using so much better. But of course, every class has it’s quirks and trying to work around that can be interesting. The challenges this year are very different than the ones I faced last year. But I don’t think I would EVER go back to my first year of teaching!

The only true negative is my health. I am starting to slip back to the bad again, and I am just fighting to keep being happy and healthy. Still investigating ways to prevent the downward kamikaze spiral that seems to happen with my depressive moments!

Sep25

The little milestones

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The little milestones

I can’t believe HOW much better this year is than last. For about 1,000,000 reasons.

I am enjoying a lot of little things a lot more than I used to. Teaching, my students, my home, my dog, my husband, my family.

I was talking to Stephen, the sweet-but-still-very-missionized brother (meaning, he’s still trying to get back into the flow of life), and he mentioned how weird he thought it was that I have been struggling with depression. He said that he would have never guessed that that was something that was eating away at me. Naturally, this led to a conversation about typical symptoms and things that can come up with depression.

I think I mentioned before how this is something I have struggled on and off with for years. But I never really realized how bad it WAS until I have been on medication and going to the occasional counseling to help me realize how crazy-down I was at times.

In a way, I think the headaches I experience on and off were a “blessing in disguise.” All through college I felt like maybe I was a bit depressed, but I just needed to “put my big girl pants on.” Suck it up, and everything will be fine. Really, why should I be feeling down when I have so many opportunities in my life, and LITTLE KIDS ARE STARVING IN AFRICA!?! I would have never gone to the doctor to say “I think I might have some sort of depression.”

Then the headaches came. February/March of ’08 marked the arrival of dizziness, pain, and hopelessness. I think perhaps the fact that I was having to finish up my crazy student teaching experience on my own with the love of my life, my rock, being 1500 miles away starting his new career up put me over the edge. We both needed each other, and while the phone made it possible to communicate with him almost every day, it still wasn’t the same as having each other physically there.

I wish I had known then what I do now about myself.  It took a year of tests, multiple doctors, and stress to find a doctor that was willing to listen to me, that this was more than just overly sensitive whining. I wish I had stood up for myself and what I suspected I had all along.

I found a good article today on MSN.com that address depression. I really liked specific parts of it.

 

“Depression invaded my life in my mid-40s,” says Tom Johnson, who was formerly publisher of the Los Angeles Times and CEO of CNN. “It sapped me of my strength, robbed me of my energy, and brought me, inexplicably, to the brink of suicide. Just the act of getting out of bed and into the shower each morning was tough. I was baffled by the sadness, by the loss of self-confidence, by the feeling of being trapped at the bottom of a deep, dark well.”

Like many others, Johnson did not seek help. He explains, “I felt that going to a psychiatrist would be a sign that I was somehow defective.” Stigma is another trap associated with depression. Dr. Carolyn Robinowitz, former president of the American Psychiatric Association, has seen its effects many times. Those experiencing depression often feel pressure to “pull themselves together,” “take charge,” “suck it up.”

While I am not better, and I still have bad days, I am so glad that I have my friends and family, and especially Jared, that have stuck around while I have struggled with becoming a better self. I know it hasn’t been easy, but it means the world to me.

Aug5

“Coming Out”

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“Coming Out”

Yeah, I know what you all were thinking when you read THAT title. But come on, we all need a little humor in our lives.

I feel like it is time for me to write about my “elephant in the room”. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to say something about this, because it’s important and has been an overwhelming part of my life, and yet I have felt embarrassed or ashamed of it.

So what is it? In a word: DEPRESSION.

There, I said it. Depression. You know, that “mental illness” that some people have. Here’s a definition from dictionary.com, “A psychiatric disorder characterized by an inability to concentrate, insomnia, loss of appetite, anhedonia, feelings of extreme sadness, guilt, helplessness and hopelessness, and thoughts of death. Also called clinical depression.”

Only exception to that list, unfortunately, is the loss of appetite. I seem to have the other problem. Really, wouldn’t you think if you have to go through all of those other terrible symptoms, you could at least benefit from weight loss?!

All joking aside, I haven’t said this to many people, because I felt like it shouldn’t be happening to me. Many people I know don’t believe in the existence of clinical depression and do not approve the use of medication to treat it. And I grew up in that atmosphere. If I kept myself busy, if I just worked harder, if I just pushed myself to do projects, to do service to others, to do well in all aspects of my life, I wouldn’t feel this way. I had way too great a life to be unhappy.

But it doesn’t work that way. Sometimes the anxiety and sadness is just overwhelming. It’s that black hole, the moment just before a terrible accident when you realize that there is nothing you can do about it except go along for the ride now. Some days you just wander around in a daze. I feel like I am driving a car in really bad fog where all I see is just a few feet in front of me.  It’s all I can do NOT to be a bum–collapse on the couch and just watch TV all day, and some days I do that anyways, even though I KNOW that I have a pile of work to finish up and the quality will be a lot better if I don’t procrastinate.

I drop the ball on a couple of things, even though I have the best intentions of doing whatever it was that I offered/was given to do. And of course, then I feel even worse for doing that, and then it adds to the guilt I feel for being a “horrible person.”

No matter what is said to me in those worst moments, no matter what people might be trying to do to help me out, NOTHING helps. I just try not to crumple into a heap of wrinkled, wet misery on the bed. And sometimes I do anyways.

This is where I’d like to mention how wonderful my husband is. He has known me for a long time, and even through periods of blah that were in our relationship, he still married me, and still supports me daily. I know it’s not easy for him when he’s come home from a long day of work and I was “wiped out” by merely doing a load of laundry and didn’t get dinner done.  And yet, he would never say it. And even in those moments where I am beating myself up because I feel like I am the most worthless person in existence and I just want to be all alone in my misery, Jared’s there, saying any positive yet logical thing that comes to mind to try and ease the load of hate and loathing I have for myself. Even though I shoot down every one. Or discredit it with other examples. Even though I know I must be making his life THISMUCH harder and therefore making me feel even more like a horrible person for letting him see my pathetic condition.

I’ve been on medication specifically for depression and anxiety since December. (I am not going to mention which one, because I’ve tried others that haven’t worked nearly as well—made me even physically sicker—and I’ve researched even more.) I’ve also started working with a counselor as well.

I have been thinking about putting this confession up on my blog for awhile. I composed a bit here and there in my mind, but today my “mental doctor” suggested I get into journaling again. So I thought about doing private entries in my blog. Then I wondered why I was going to do that. This is a part of who I am. I have been suppressing it for so long that I had really only made things worse. And maybe there are other people out there who feel the same way and aren’t getting the help they need, because living a depressed life isn’t really living. I don’t even think I could call it existing. You may have all the reason in the world to be happy, but you can’t enjoy it. You aren’t living life to the fullest.

I can’t believe how much better I am feeling from the person I was a year ago, or even 6 months ago. And I still have bad days. Logically I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I spiral down and get caught in a rut. But I have more good days now than bad days, and I can see past the fog a little further.

And for all that, I was embarrassed to say, but it’s a part of me, and I should not be ashamed because I am trying to be better. I am making the effort to be happier and healthier. And to me and those of you who may know what I am talking about, that’s what really matters.