This year has been one of the most difficult years of my life. I don’t say this to be dramatic, but looking back, I have never felt so low and hopeless. I know there are several things that have contributed to why I’ve been so busy and constantly stressed.

The foremost, largest stressor has been my job. Teaching hasn’t been what I thought it would be. This year in particular has emphasized everything wrong with teaching. The financial situation in Texas right now is absolutely ridiculous. Examples:

* What place would expect that if you cut millions of dollars in education, it would benefit the students? Districts all over the state have had to forgo renewing some of their best, brightest teachers. The girl that I have been mentoring all year received an email from the person being forced to take her place. The email essentially stated that she didn’t want to teach but she was only doing it for insurance, and that it sucks to be jobless for this particular girl. How could you be so inconsiderate to say that to somebody who’s job you are taking, when that person would love to remain there when you couldn’t care less?

* They will be shortening the time spent in math and language arts at the middle school level, giving teachers half the time they previously had with students and giving them twice the students to teach.

* TEA is still going forward with rolling out their new, more strenuous state testing to hold teachers accountable. But we now have LESS TEACHERS teaching MORE STUDENTS with LESS RESOURCES. How can we stay remotely close to the same standards?

* It’s possible we won’t know the official cuts until August 12th, if the senate and house refuse to compromise and have to go to a special session during the summer. More firing or hiring could happen literally the week or two before the doors are supposed to open for the school year.

How are we supposed to recover from that?

I’ve also been disappointed on a smaller scale. I have done everything possible to show that I am invested in being a good teacher, yet again I have been held back from moving up to a high school position. I’ve been part of the leadership teams on campus, helped with special side committees, been the 7th grade ELA department head and worked on developing curriculum. I’ve been a mentor to a first year teacher. I’ve been accepted to the Central Texas Writing Project (CTWP) for this summer. I don’t know what else I could do to show that I could be an asset, but yet, I’m held back in a position that I do not love, for the fourth time. I overheard a conversation with another teacher saying that  she’s been stuck in 8th grade ELA for 8 years, despite applying for transfers for high school time and time again.

Pros of middle school and teaching in general have been:

-7th graders have their funny moments;

-The curriculum is “easier”, and I have it mostly down, just tweaking from year to year;

-Up to this year we’ve had 90 min a day with the students;

-I like most of the people I work with.

Cons:

-I struggle with the maturity level of the students;

-“Helicopter parents” are worse at this age;

-I miss the challenge of the more strenuous and deeper curriculum I could get with high school;

-The ridiculous “rubric” system or “Standards-based grading” and no accountability crap;

-Paperwork is ridiculous;

-There are more meetings with admin and other teachers to “support student academic success”.

Frankly, I’m losing hope. I truly do not know if I can last another year, and that thought frightens me. I have invested 7 years of my life to this profession, and I don’t love it. It has its good moments of course, but those good moments are not sustaining me like they used to.

And the fear of the unknown: If I don’t continue on, I don’t know what other profession I could do.

These are fears and thoughts that have been building for months. In the past month, the more I’ve learned, these thoughts been more and more prevalent. It’s been a difficult, exhausting year, and I’m like a car just pushing to the finish line on fumes.

I’ll end with a positive thought. The bright side of my life: my husband.  This past month we celebrated four years of marriage. He’s definitely been my rock and strength during this difficult and lonely time in my life, and I am forever grateful for all he does to make my struggles easier. I consider him my biggest blessing in life, and am so grateful for him every single day.

Jared, thanks for making my burden lighter by being in my life. No matter what happens, I love you.